Drama Queen?

So, I can barely keep up with my own drama.

As you know by now, I have been apart from my ex husband for over 6 years and yet he is still contacting me despite me orchestrating every aspect of my life so that he never has a reason to contact me. People say it must be difficult because ‘you still have to have contact for the sake of your child’, Well, no. I decided four years ago that I didn’t need any contact from him unless it’s an emergency. I decided this when, one day, Mr Ex struck my Son around the face. He was 5 and his Dad left a hand shaped bruise there. He was arrested, charged and placed on Bail for almost a year. During this time I realised I didn’t need any contact at all, that I could make all the decisions while my Son was with me, if I had to. That year was the easiest year I have had so far, and the year that my Son had the least amount of issues in School.

I have made it clear to him, on several occasions, that I didn’t want any contact from him. In response to that, he always likes to have the last word, (proving that no-one can tell him what to do) me, then goades me, bullies me, to try to get me to respond. He often resorts to name calling and carrying on like I hadn’t said anything. I have restricted contact to one email address.

Everything I requested he do, he mirrors onto me, said I was harassing him and I was only to use one email address, said he would report me to the police if I didn’t leave him alone. Anyone outside of this, reading these emails would think I’m a mad woman, however, for four years now I have only ever replied to him if it has been unavoidable. He manipulates all his contact to start off being about our Son, or his welfare, and then I ignore it and he gets angry, or I reply with the same answer I have given hundreds of times before, and he gets angry that it isn’t what he wants to hear.

He won’t allow me to cut him off, which is what has happened this week. A month ago I went to the police again, he had been relentlessly sending me emails, about things he didn’t need to send to me about. The following were some of the email subjects he sent me in December 2018 and January 2019;

  1. Computer game passwords,
  2. Informing me that some of our Sons clothes were missing from his school bag and he is going to take the money from child maintenance to replace them, each item listed and how much (he gives me an amount he has chosen himself which is half of the CMS liability),
  3. An essay telling me what to put in my Sons lunchbox.
  4. Berating me for not Co-parenting.
  5. Telling me to get a maths tutor and pay for it, or maths with our Son at mine,
  6. Informing me he has booked a holiday in my court ordered custody time and that I must change mine, or there will be consequences.
  7. Repeatedly asking for days in lieu he has missed due to the court order (days like my Birthday, despite the Judge saying we can’t do days in lieu)
  8. Telling me I hate him so much I really need to stop it controlling me.
  9. That I am a bad parent stopping him seeing his Son (he sees him every other weekend and one night in the week, as per the court order that he agreed), this is completely made up.
  10. Demanding information about a school trip I apparently didn’t tell him about (the school tell him),
  11. Asking me to write off the Child Maintenance arrears,
  12. Asking for 50/50 custody,
  13. Telling me his custody breakdown for Christmas (which we already have in a court order),
  14. Refusing to give me my Sons passport on the day I asked for it,
  15. Threatening court action,
  16. Threatening court action,
  17. Threatening more court action
  18. Telling me he will allow our Son to play GTA, fortnite and watch Jaws because he can do what he wants.

These are subjects he has contacted me about in December 2018 and January 2019. Two months. 34 emails.

When I went to the police on Jan 22nd I had my folder full of emails from him, he had been to my house unannounced – they told me he hadn’t broken a law. I said it was harassment, they said it wasn’t because I’d replied a couple of times, I said I’d had to on those occasions, they said they understood that I had to, but that meant it wasn’t harassment, then I said what about malicious communications? They said it was nasty but not malicious, I said I disagreed, that this is all about being malicious to me. They disagreed. They could see he was being harassing and working just under the law being broken, said they can’t go round there and talk to him because he will deny he has broken a law. I said it is harassment and they insisted it wasn’t. This is extremely frustrating, and how clever he actually is. A police officer said to me yesterday ‘whats in the emails?’ that’s when I feel like a twat. ‘er, this one says he wants more custody, this one says I’m a bitch, this one says he wants me to write off the CMS arrears, this one says I’m a bad parent ..and so on. This is frustrating because I know these aren’t all abusive, a lot are, but for me the problem is the relentless contact and obsessive need to get a reaction from me. The less reaction he gets the more determined he is to get one.

The Police told me to send him an email, stating he could not contact me and anytime he contacted me after that would actually be harassment.

So I had a plan, I felt better and sent the email….

I got noting for about ten days, then I went to pay a car repair bill and saw that he had stopped paying the spousal maintenance he pays me, as part of our divorce. As he had hidden all of our money, part of the equitable division of our assets I was awarded an amount of money every month..it helps pay the rent over our head, but, he has stopped paying this four times now and I have filed four hearings for it to be awarded to me and he has paid up. The problem is, he gets what he wants, me to be inconvenienced, and to punish me for not answering him. He knows I am a single parent, he knows I rely on that money, and to stop paying it makes things difficult. When you file a D50k enforcement, to get the money you are owed, you have to notify the respondent (Mr X) in advance to give them a chance to pay it first. On Feb 1st, I sent him this text….

Now, again, anyone reading his text message, would think I am harassing him for money, that he is poor and I’m being unfair. The keys to the narcissist here lie in the way he is talking to me – most people don’t recognise these key things….he is using bullet points, which can be numbers, or just sometimes they are dots -to make sure I get the point, he has also just realised he has been caught out and is trying to get himself out of it (two weeks prior he offered me 13k lump sum, and then stopped paying the spousal due to not being able to afford it) by being pedantic about the words he used…apparently ‘ I will arrange to pay you 13k’ does not mean he has it. He then starts blaming me, for the Child Maintenance calculation, which I am coming at him for, well this is nothing to do with me, they have come up with that figure based on his information…..the blame is where he starts to divert the conversation away from himself. He has done something wrong, by stopping the payments, and yet he wants to talk about how I am coming at him via the CMS – despite the fact he isn’t paying child maintenance!

Then we have the harassment accusation, a Narcissist will always deflect what they are guilty of onto their target. This, for me, is one of the biggest signs he is a psychopath, the fact that I have never accused him of any of the traits of a narcissist, (deflection, irrational anger, smugness, a sense of superiority, no empathy, passive aggressive, sense of entitlement, strong need for attention, controlling, never taking responsibility for his actions, placing blame, and an inability to negotiate). and yet he has accused me of all of these and more.

So after the texts above, I gave him a week to pay, I am ever the optimist, even with our history, I still think there is a chance he will see that what he is doing is wrong and pay, without me having to shell out to file a hearing and go through all of that again. Nope. I sent him one last chance, giving him the deadline, and reminded him that he signed an undertaking to the court to not miss any payments. This is what I got….

So, I filed a hearing to get back the money he owes me so far. Yesterday I received papers and a new date, which is great, earlier than I thought it would be, but, the bad thing is, one thing I actually forgot, is that I have to serve the papers on him. Bugger.

Its my birthday on Monday, and, annually he likes to try and ruin it, he sent me one email already this week telling me that he wants a day back in lieu for missing his Day with our Son on my Birthday – (which I ignored) and two days ago he came to my house, despite me telling him not to. He dropped a bag of my Sons clothes to me, I hadn’t asked for this, and it goes against what we usually do in this situation, pass clothes in our Son’s school bag. He is making a point to me that he won’t be told what to do.

So I called the police to see if they would help me serve the papers….and they reported it as a crime, so here we go again…….

No make up?….eeek!

This morning I got a text from the National Centre for Domestic Violence……www.ncdv.com, it said someone would be calling me in the next ten minutes.  Shit!  I was still in bed, I do NOT like to deal with people until I have got up, am dressed, with my face on, and spent at least half an hour struggling to create an effortless messy bun. I even struggle to text people, preferring to pretend I am ‘busy’. I felt guilty, still in bed, on a rare morning I got to lay-in with no child in the house.  I am sure they can tell at the other end of the phone, like they can tell I’m in bed, smell my breath, or hear it in my voice, like a ‘bed voice’ and not even in a sexy way…although that would be bad too…..anyway, I got up, dressed and had shiny clean teeth by the time the phone rang, around four minutes later.  Annoying….not ten minutes.

The lady, Nicole, said she would call me back in another ten to fifteen minutes…great, time to have a cup of tea and get some ginger nuts dunked.To give you a bit of a background, I have been to the local Police station twice in the past month, to make a statement about him. Both times they have been ‘unable to help me.’  I have had 34 emails from him, in December and January, he has been to my house uninvited, tried to blackmail me and generally call me names. I reported each incident, they start by sympathising with me, tell me its a crime, harassment, intimidation, malicious communications, abuse, etc make me feel confident, they erase any doubts I had about reporting him, I forget about possible repercussions from him and fallout, so I am convinced that this time he will be spoken to so I get an appointment to go and see an officer in the local station so this can be looked at in closer details with a view to prosecuting him or talking to him, I’m then given a crime number and wait for my appointment. I just want him to leave me alone. I always hope that a chat from the boys in blue (black) will shock him into that, however it always has the opposite effect.

I go to said station and an officer takes some information, usually a couple of hours-worth of in-depth personal history, what my marriage was like, completing an ‘at risk’ form and then they (Always) tell me that he hasn’t actually broken a Law and they can’t even go and warn him, because he is ‘that type of person’ who will confront them and demand to know what law he has broken’ and they will look incompetent.  So he gets away with it….again.

All I want is for him to leave me alone, I used to want him to be able to converse with me like a rational, normal parent, to behave like a good Dad, to have conversations about School issues, children’s parties but I know that will never ever happen, he isn’t psychologically capable of it.  So my wish is that he leaves me alone. Simple thing to master, to a ‘Normal’.  He is far from normal.

So, the last time I went to the Cop Shop, two weeks ago, I kicked off so significantly in that  prison-like office, with the low sunlight slicing through the blinds and piercing my eyes, after I had spent three hours telling my life story (again), feeling like an idiot (again) that the officer warned me that other officers would come running in and arrest me for a security issue if I didn’t calm down….I will admit, I was screaming, crying and calling them useless….bad enough, but an arrest would not have been the best parenting move ever….The boy should have at least one parent without a criminal record.  I also realised that I had flipped out, banshee-style in direct view of the body-cam.  Oops.  Lets hope that does not end up on YouTube….although my Son would be chuffed that his Mum’s gone viral!

So when I calmed down, the officer left the room to go and get his Detective Sergeant.  I was stroppily starting to gather up my files of emails, picking up my phone and throwing it in my bag, then getting it out again when I realised I needed it, heavily lifting and dropping them again in a huff to make a point.  The officer came in and introduced his boss to me, I didn’t even look up.  Rude.  

They appeared concerned I wasn’t happy with their resolution of the issue (no shit, no resolution = time wasted!) So they decided to ‘log’ it (blah blah – ‘logging it’ has never ever been something that is even a thing and it has never helped me.  Every time I call or go into the Police station they have no idea of the background, no links, no notes, and I have to start again every time).  Over the past six years, I have reported him around 12 times, for harassment, intimidation and malicious communication, breach of bail, they have only ever given him a warning for intercepting an electronic communication – and he was charged with common assault on our child but he paid a very expensive barrister a lot of money to get him acquitted at trial, despite telling everyone else he did it. 

My only saving grace is that he has a criminal conviction for Stalking his ex-girlfriend in July 2018, she got an injunction for herself and her child –  This will help me get my own non-molestation order, which is what I am speaking to the NCDV for.  The Police told me that they could refer me to them to get a non-molestation order for me…..again, not quite true. If you have a domestic violence crime committed against you, and you get an arrest and charge and conviction, you are automatically given a non-molestation order, as part and parcel of it. If you are like me and having to fight to prove to people he affects my life, its harder, there’s no actual proof that what I’m saying is true, like a conviction so I have to prove it myself with emails and confessions and threats.

A Non- molestation order is a restraining order, preventing the respondent from contacting you, intimidating you, contacting children, etc, it can be worded in a way that suits you – for example it could be worded to include something like ‘no contact other than for the purpose of child arrangements’ and it comes with the power of arrest, so if the respondent breaks it, the police can arrest immediately as they have then breached an order.  

I was relieved at this, it sounded like a dream come true for me, it would mean he would have to stop. I said to the officers I didn’t think I could get one, they said they couldn’t see any reason that I wouldn’t get one, that they refer it to the NCDV, and they can get it in one week….that was three weeks ago!  There was a disaster with Legal Aid, they said I was entitled to it, then said I wasn’t so now I have to go via the NCDV to help with the statement, then I have to go to court myself, and ask the judge to grant it. 

I was told this would be without notice, which means he won’t know about it, or be given any warning of it happening which is good for me, because if he was to be there and it isn’t granted, he won’t know about it, and won’t be able to ram it down my throat as punishment for trying to get him in trouble for the next 15 years – if it is granted, he is served with it and that’s the first he knows about it, then he can’t punish me because there is a restraining order to protect me, which will be a novelty.  At this point in time, six years down the mental line I have little faith in anything but its worth a go….again.