Actual narcissist or just a bad break up?

I have read so many peoples stories, about what they perceive to be their experience with their ‘Narc’. I am shocked to see how many of these appear to be bad break ups rather than an ongoing, increasingly relentless and dangerous encounter with someone they cannot get rid of with NPD.

Whilst I know am not putting down the heartbreak, feelings of revenge, and hurt that bad break ups cause, they are in no way comparable to the actions of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If that is you, you are going through a hard time, but it will pass whereas a narcissist will never ever leave you alone.

People with NPD (Narcissisic Personality Disorder) will never go away, and will more often than not, get worse, and become dangerous. Just to give you an idea, on a Narcissist scale where Trump is number 1 and Ted Bundy is a 10, my ex is about a ‘Dirty John’ (if anyone hasn’t seen this Netflix series, it’s spectacularly accurate and the most like Mr X I have ever come across, and its a true story).

One story I read today was a man whose ‘ex narc’ was engaged to someone new, two weeks after leaving him. That’s it. He proposed, she said yes and then she left and found someone else.

Wake up people, this isn’t a narcissist, this is bad luck, and picking a shitty human, be thankful that you are free- a narcissist will never leave you alone, even if they leave your relationship. Read a few of my posts and compare, I met mine 16 years ago, he left 6 years ago when my Son was just 3 and I was suffering sever anxiety and panic attacks and yet my life is still full of him. He does everything he can to disrupt me, upset me, take things from me, bully and blackmail me, harass me, make me feel useless and like a bad parent. It doesn’t work which makes him even more determined to carry on the vendetta. He will not be happy until I am dead.

Injunction Conjuncture

So – I will get around to talking about the injunction, A conversation I started yesterday. You can tell I’m new to this, spewing out as much as I can as quickly as possible and going off on a tangent!

So, when I kicked off in the Police station because they couldn’t help me, they told my my only option was to apply for a Non-molestation order, what was an injunction. These come along with convictions of domestic violence crimes, however the Police have told me that my ex has not committed a single crime, despite being a complete ‘A**hole’ which apparently is not one….

They said they can refer me to the NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) who will be able to get me one within a week, like the woman who reported someone before me. Brilliant, that calmed me down, an order with a power of arrest for when he breaks it, perfect. I watched them refer me on their ‘app’ which seemed a little insignificant, and they said they would contact me directly.

So, when I didn’t hear from them, I contacted them after 5 days and they said there was no record of them contacting them for me – pointless then? They agreed to call me, they told me that after answering a few questions I would be eligible for Legal Aid, and that my contribution would be £26, reasonable I thought, they said this would go towards the serving fee of £100. I said I was used to going to court myself and sorting stuff out, they said I should go for it as its worth it and they only need my pay slips and bank statements nowadays, I said ok. As soon as I was off of the phone, they sent me a text saying I had a solicitor and one would be contacting me.

The next day someone called me. She was a solicitor and I spent an hour going through mundane questions again, around the fourth time I have explained everything in a week. I was initially confused as no-one mentioned a solicitor to me at all…and I don’t trust them…..She calculated after I had sent my documents to them, that I would have to pay £700! I am a single parent, owed money by my Ex and working part time so I can pick up my child from school every day, so this about as possible as me marrying Rufus Sewell.

I was told to go back to the NCDV who will be able to fill in a witness statement for me, to go to court myself, something I am used to…. so I called them again and they sent me a form, instructing me to send it back. I did that the same day. I had no call for another 5 days so I emailed, they said they had the form but for ‘some reason’ I hadn’t been added to the list to be called. They promised to call me the next day.

When they called, I was told it would take an hour, and I would have to go through everything we have ever done. Brilliant. a few minutes into it, Nicole tells me that as there hasn’t been an incident of domestic violence in the past week it will have to go on notice (he will have to be notified and given a chance to dispute it and be in court). The last time I tried to get an injunction he attended and disputed every step of the way, the Judge was so taken in by him he insisted he have a ‘finding of fact’ hearing…like a mini trial. I cancelled the order at this point.

So I was understandably nervous, at the thought of him being in a court room to pick apart everything I had said he had done. I also know that it will come back on me ten-fold if that happens this time, he is angry because of the Child Maintenance he owes (£17,000) and he is already making me pay for that (even though its nothing to do with me). So I get upset and tell them I don’t want to go ahead, so Nicole goes and gets a manager.

The manager, Abbie, says we can apply without notice and see if the Judge will accept it but he might not, and then invite Mr X to go to court – she also said that if the order is granted, he will still be invited to a hearing where he can dispute it – so great, obviously someone who’s sole goal is to get at me any way he can is going to take any opportunity to do that. I decided to carry on and think about it, so it took two bloody hours! two hours of repeating stuff I didn’t want to think about again. Re-reading emails and texts and seeing condensed how much he has done to me and my Son.

So….today….I receive the witness statement, a Mackenzie friends letter and instructions on how to apply for the court order. Well, what a fucking waste of time, again. Its like she literally wrote it about someone else’s life! Its so inaccurate I would have to re-write the whole thing, and it reads so flaky, like I’m being an actual snowflake (I know about that word because he called me it last week, I had to google it but I like it! – It means someone who is overly sensitive and offended at the smallest thing). When I read the accompanying ‘how to’ letter I was adamant my chances of getting the order are slim, and the chances of creating a reaction similar to that when poking a tiger in the eyeball with a stick, is very high, I decided not to do it at this time.

I have three other court hearings instigated by him, and cannot risk harm to myself and my Son at this time. I noted that either way he would have the chance to basically cross examine me, gain ‘facts’ and attack me in court, which he has done before and got away with. So I have chosen to go back down the route the Police advised, I informed in January that I don’t want him to contact me and hopefully he will stick to it, I’ve had one email in three weeks so that’s bearable, for now. I’m happy with that decision, but I know its there for the future. I feel I have a plan now.

Everything is so hard for victims of abuse, we have to be subjected to it, we have to repeatedly suffer it over a period of time, sometimes watch it get worse and then we have to fight to get someone to do something. I have been fighting for six years and still, he gets away with it and I will keep fighting for what is right, or ‘picking on him’ as the poor baby calls it.

Mr X and his Ex

So, carrying on from yesterday’s post, I was telling you about the injunction I was attempting to apply for. As I said, these come automatically with a conviction of a crime for the victim and are usually ordered by the court, but if you are stuck in the grey area of having to deal with relentless harassment from that person who knows how to behave so they have maximum impact while keeping just below that ‘breaking the law’ line, then you will find it tough, but you have to keep going, because they will make a mistake. Mine did, he was convicted of Stalking someone else, his girlfriend after me. whom he had been with for five years at the time. Whilst I don’t want to talk too much about someone else’s experience – this blog is about my experience of him – it is relevant to mention this as it illustrates his behaviour and how it is altered according to whom he is concentrating on – he is very draining and abusive, but the stalking was a whole other level of fucked up – he made a mistake, he was caught and didn’t care what evidence he was leaving behind, if he had been a burglar it would have been as silly as leaving your wallet at the scene….it is very interesting behaviour and I have a theory.

15 months ago I had an I message from my then – 7- year old, while I was at work, who isn’t allowed to contact me when he is at his Dads (to this day) so this was odd. It said……

Obviously I panicked worrying if he was in danger – it didn’t sound like him, and I have had reason to worry about my Son being with his Dad since 2015, I’ll come to the reason why, later in the blog – and I knew his Dad wouldn’t ever allow him to send that knowingly. I face-timed him and my Ex husbands girlfriend (who he was seeing when we were married but denies it) answered. I hadn’t ever spoken to her, she had screeched up onto my drive one day with music blaring and behaving like a teenager and I told him not to bring him here again and to get her off my drive. She had accompanied him to court hearings (26 I have attended with him so far) and commented on twitter that I was an ‘idiot’ – I knew she would contact me one day when she experienced it herself and but I never addressed her directly – my ex kept me apart from anyone connected to him anyway. (Weirdly she looks like me, a friend saw them together once and actually went up to her thinking she was me). So I was surprised when she said “Paula, can you come and collect *** please, Mr X was arrested this morning for hitting me”.

I asked her to go into another room to talk because I could see my Son was in the same room, and as shit as his Dad is, he needs to see that for himself, not hear people he loves slagging his Dad off, he would be confused. She said that he had been there when Mr X had hit her. I checked that my ex wasn’t around (He had just bought a house in the next village to me, and would freak if he found out I had been there) and she told me that he had been arrested and taken away in a police van. The coast was clear for me to get my Son.

I arrived around 20 minutes later and my Son was upset at seeing his Dad being arrested and taken away. My Ex’s girlfriend said that they had been having an argument, because he had installed CCTV inside the property. She had complained saying she needed privacy, that the cameras were unnecessary and he had told her it was his house and she had no choice, that they were there to protect himself from people like me and her from accusing him of stuff – which makes no sense at all, and he still says that to me now, when he is on a rant. A glass of water was thrown and allegedly a punch was made to the back of her head as she was running up the stairs away from him.

Now, I wasn’t there so I am just repeating what she told me, he says this didn’t happen, he says she attacked him, threw water over him and made up the punch, I know who I believe. Whatever happened that day, it was done in front of my Son and that was unacceptable. I didn’t care who hit whom, I only cared that my child was safe. I took him to a safe place and messaged my ex – for him to get when he came out of the Police station. It said……..

What followed was a weekend of him demanding our Son because it was ‘his weekend’, I refused because he was afraid and did not want to see his Dad. He was not happy and continued to threaten me a but but when I told him the Police told me to dial 999 if he came over, he gave in, however he quickly turned nasty once I deemed it safe for him to have him again and he used it as an excuse to bring up all the things he regularly brings up and has blamed me for for the past six years…..I stopped him seeing his Son (I didn’t), I was a shit wife and I can’t keep a marriage, (possibly true lol) I am a bad parent, I am a gold digger, I am harassing him, and abusing him….he is an expert at twisting anything that he is remotely guilty of, back onto me, and making it about something so far away from the original incident that you begin to forget what you were conversing about in the first place. In the half an hour we had to talk when I collected my Son, she told me she should have left years ago, he was abusive, controlling, secretive, physically violent, emotionally abusive, obsessed with me, and she wasn’t strong enough to leave so this had to happen. Anyone who leaves a situation like that, is a hero. Especially if you have children. As shit as it still is for me, myself and my Son are safer, as is she, as far as I am aware, is happy. If I hadn’t filed for divorce I’d be dead now, or in an assylum.

So he was finally let out around 11pm and was not charged. His Girlfriend was now his ex girlfriend as she had immediately moved out, but would be back the next day to collect her stuff. He immediately sent her this….

When she came to collect her stuff the next day, he wrote this on the back of one of her pictures….

Then he started stalking her, he waited for her at the train station, hand writing and signing letters, setting up Facebook accounts in variations of his own name, contacting her family, her friends, getting his friend to contact her, and her having to run away, sending flowers then sending a letter stating he could see she didn’t take them home because he was watching her, going to where she lived, and with all due respect to her, she never replied once, she did really well. She reported everything and two months later he was arrested for stalking. He of course, sent her a message saying he had explained to the police what type of person she was and they agreed she was irrational and that it had all been sorted out. Obviously this is something they are expert at, diversion. He was arrested and charged with stalking that week. He plead not guilty. Five months later, he had a trial and on the day, he plead guilty. She has a non-molestation order and he has a significant fine and a criminal record.

The day she got her order, I severed contact with her, for her benefit, I didn’t want there to be a link for her to Mr X via me. We’d been talking for a few months, part of the evidence in the prosecution came from me, he had set up a website in her name, I had screenshots of it, first it was begging her back, pleading with her, offering marriage, counselling ‘anything’ to get them on the right track…..then criticism and name calling, then accusing her to being a narcissist and gaslighting. He did this to me when we first split up, I will talk more about that later as I have screenshots of that too.

If she sees this and wants me to remove it, I am happy to, but I think it is a great example of how Narcissists can get. He is bad with me, but I have something he needs, and that is our Son, he needs him to be able to create the image that he wants people to see. The successful, loving father…which happens to be a crock of shit.