Just to make it clear……

I have evidence of everything mentioned on this site, I have never assumed, put words into anyone’s mouth, or lied. I have emails, texts, telephone conversations, websites and videos. I also have my own courtroom experiences (26 so far and four more scheduled in the next few months) to draw upon and I have a right to tell my story. Everything has been reported to the Police, Social Services, NSPCC and my Sons School is aware of relevant stuff on here too. I have 16 years of experience, and would love to hear yours too, please let me know, I might be able to help you. I might write it a bit haphazardly, and what a post start off as, appears to be ending up as something else….please bear with me!

My family – in particular, my Mum, Stepdad and Sister, have wanted to see Justice for six years, and my three Friends deserve naming on here, I could not have got this far without them, court cases, shoulders to cry on have been priceless – but thanking them on here would bring them a shitstorm….My boyf has shown me what true unconditional love is, and will always show me a better way of looking at something. He is my soul mate x

This is my experience of dealing what I believe is someone with Narcissistic Personality disorder, and who is a sociopath, my own personal experiences, therefore my life and my story. I have kept identities secret but people who know me, will know who I am talking about.

Mr X and his Ex

So, carrying on from yesterday’s post, I was telling you about the injunction I was attempting to apply for. As I said, these come automatically with a conviction of a crime for the victim and are usually ordered by the court, but if you are stuck in the grey area of having to deal with relentless harassment from that person who knows how to behave so they have maximum impact while keeping just below that ‘breaking the law’ line, then you will find it tough, but you have to keep going, because they will make a mistake. Mine did, he was convicted of Stalking someone else, his girlfriend after me. whom he had been with for five years at the time. Whilst I don’t want to talk too much about someone else’s experience – this blog is about my experience of him – it is relevant to mention this as it illustrates his behaviour and how it is altered according to whom he is concentrating on – he is very draining and abusive, but the stalking was a whole other level of fucked up – he made a mistake, he was caught and didn’t care what evidence he was leaving behind, if he had been a burglar it would have been as silly as leaving your wallet at the scene….it is very interesting behaviour and I have a theory.

15 months ago I had an I message from my then – 7- year old, while I was at work, who isn’t allowed to contact me when he is at his Dads (to this day) so this was odd. It said……

Obviously I panicked worrying if he was in danger – it didn’t sound like him, and I have had reason to worry about my Son being with his Dad since 2015, I’ll come to the reason why, later in the blog – and I knew his Dad wouldn’t ever allow him to send that knowingly. I face-timed him and my Ex husbands girlfriend (who he was seeing when we were married but denies it) answered. I hadn’t ever spoken to her, she had screeched up onto my drive one day with music blaring and behaving like a teenager and I told him not to bring him here again and to get her off my drive. She had accompanied him to court hearings (26 I have attended with him so far) and commented on twitter that I was an ‘idiot’ – I knew she would contact me one day when she experienced it herself and but I never addressed her directly – my ex kept me apart from anyone connected to him anyway. (Weirdly she looks like me, a friend saw them together once and actually went up to her thinking she was me). So I was surprised when she said “Paula, can you come and collect *** please, Mr X was arrested this morning for hitting me”.

I asked her to go into another room to talk because I could see my Son was in the same room, and as shit as his Dad is, he needs to see that for himself, not hear people he loves slagging his Dad off, he would be confused. She said that he had been there when Mr X had hit her. I checked that my ex wasn’t around (He had just bought a house in the next village to me, and would freak if he found out I had been there) and she told me that he had been arrested and taken away in a police van. The coast was clear for me to get my Son.

I arrived around 20 minutes later and my Son was upset at seeing his Dad being arrested and taken away. My Ex’s girlfriend said that they had been having an argument, because he had installed CCTV inside the property. She had complained saying she needed privacy, that the cameras were unnecessary and he had told her it was his house and she had no choice, that they were there to protect himself from people like me and her from accusing him of stuff – which makes no sense at all, and he still says that to me now, when he is on a rant. A glass of water was thrown and allegedly a punch was made to the back of her head as she was running up the stairs away from him.

Now, I wasn’t there so I am just repeating what she told me, he says this didn’t happen, he says she attacked him, threw water over him and made up the punch, I know who I believe. Whatever happened that day, it was done in front of my Son and that was unacceptable. I didn’t care who hit whom, I only cared that my child was safe. I took him to a safe place and messaged my ex – for him to get when he came out of the Police station. It said……..

What followed was a weekend of him demanding our Son because it was ‘his weekend’, I refused because he was afraid and did not want to see his Dad. He was not happy and continued to threaten me a but but when I told him the Police told me to dial 999 if he came over, he gave in, however he quickly turned nasty once I deemed it safe for him to have him again and he used it as an excuse to bring up all the things he regularly brings up and has blamed me for for the past six years…..I stopped him seeing his Son (I didn’t), I was a shit wife and I can’t keep a marriage, (possibly true lol) I am a bad parent, I am a gold digger, I am harassing him, and abusing him….he is an expert at twisting anything that he is remotely guilty of, back onto me, and making it about something so far away from the original incident that you begin to forget what you were conversing about in the first place. In the half an hour we had to talk when I collected my Son, she told me she should have left years ago, he was abusive, controlling, secretive, physically violent, emotionally abusive, obsessed with me, and she wasn’t strong enough to leave so this had to happen. Anyone who leaves a situation like that, is a hero. Especially if you have children. As shit as it still is for me, myself and my Son are safer, as is she, as far as I am aware, is happy. If I hadn’t filed for divorce I’d be dead now, or in an assylum.

So he was finally let out around 11pm and was not charged. His Girlfriend was now his ex girlfriend as she had immediately moved out, but would be back the next day to collect her stuff. He immediately sent her this….

When she came to collect her stuff the next day, he wrote this on the back of one of her pictures….

Then he started stalking her, he waited for her at the train station, hand writing and signing letters, setting up Facebook accounts in variations of his own name, contacting her family, her friends, getting his friend to contact her, and her having to run away, sending flowers then sending a letter stating he could see she didn’t take them home because he was watching her, going to where she lived, and with all due respect to her, she never replied once, she did really well. She reported everything and two months later he was arrested for stalking. He of course, sent her a message saying he had explained to the police what type of person she was and they agreed she was irrational and that it had all been sorted out. Obviously this is something they are expert at, diversion. He was arrested and charged with stalking that week. He plead not guilty. Five months later, he had a trial and on the day, he plead guilty. She has a non-molestation order and he has a significant fine and a criminal record.

The day she got her order, I severed contact with her, for her benefit, I didn’t want there to be a link for her to Mr X via me. We’d been talking for a few months, part of the evidence in the prosecution came from me, he had set up a website in her name, I had screenshots of it, first it was begging her back, pleading with her, offering marriage, counselling ‘anything’ to get them on the right track…..then criticism and name calling, then accusing her to being a narcissist and gaslighting. He did this to me when we first split up, I will talk more about that later as I have screenshots of that too.

If she sees this and wants me to remove it, I am happy to, but I think it is a great example of how Narcissists can get. He is bad with me, but I have something he needs, and that is our Son, he needs him to be able to create the image that he wants people to see. The successful, loving father…which happens to be a crock of shit.

Why I am here…..

‘Till death us do part’ is a blog about my (so far) six years divorced from a psychopath (16 years of knowing him).  It is perplexing how, six years after HE left, I am still dealing with his mental shit every single day, and trying not to let it affect my own mental health.  I have to carefully plan anything I do that might involve him, so as to create the least risk for myself and my child. I’m learning to manage him without having him actually realise I am one step ahead of him. If he finds this, it will go onto the list of things to punish me for, forever (after he has threatened me with the Police, Libel etc etc).

The reason I am calling my blog ‘Till death us do part’ is because that is when I think he will stop, when one of us dies.  The odds are high for that to be me first.   I genuinely believe he has the capacity to kill me, in the Police station last week, the Detective Sargent told me he believed I was right, but they couldn’t do anything as he hadn’t broken a law.  I also do a lot of research on personality disorders, so although I am not a doctor, I do have an opinion on what I think is happening to him, and that helps me manage him.  He is the kind of person who you see on the news who has killed their ex partner and kids…or turn into a serial killer. 

Although he had been physically violent in the past, when we were married, he is far more dangerous now, he is too clever to threaten me physically, but he does threaten me with consequences,  attempts to manipulate me, emotionally harms our child and I, harasses and intimidates me on an almost daily basis – the Police can do nothing, until he physically hurts me or threatens me with violence. Children’s services choose to do nothing, the UK Courts slap him on the wrist and send him away to carry on doing the same over and over again. Filing court hearings is one of the things he does to get to me, he uses it and plays the system. He has also refused to give me my Sons passport once, so I couldn’t take him on a trip of a lifetime to Florida, he said I had to take him to court to get it, so then when I file a hearing, I am accused of filing court hearings unecessarily by him! (His reasoning for not giving me the passport that time was that he didn’t think our Son should be without him for ten days) his reason in December, was that I ‘hadnt given him the holiday information (Despite it being in my time and not out of the country overnight) and then when I gave him the information, he said it was because I hadn’t assured him I wouldn’t take my Son anywhere else in the time prior to the trip in question….

I’m hoping listening to my struggles to stay sane and seeing the way I deal with things, will help someone, someone who might not know they are in something dangerous.  I also want people to think about the kinds of silent shit-storms some people are dealing with inside, that aren’t always apparent on the surface.  Its hard, but to me its normal.  This is my life, and its the something that anyone coming into my life will have to deal with too. 

Till death us do part.

No make up?….eeek!

This morning I got a text from the National Centre for Domestic Violence……www.ncdv.com, it said someone would be calling me in the next ten minutes.  Shit!  I was still in bed, I do NOT like to deal with people until I have got up, am dressed, with my face on, and spent at least half an hour struggling to create an effortless messy bun. I even struggle to text people, preferring to pretend I am ‘busy’. I felt guilty, still in bed, on a rare morning I got to lay-in with no child in the house.  I am sure they can tell at the other end of the phone, like they can tell I’m in bed, smell my breath, or hear it in my voice, like a ‘bed voice’ and not even in a sexy way…although that would be bad too…..anyway, I got up, dressed and had shiny clean teeth by the time the phone rang, around four minutes later.  Annoying….not ten minutes.

The lady, Nicole, said she would call me back in another ten to fifteen minutes…great, time to have a cup of tea and get some ginger nuts dunked.To give you a bit of a background, I have been to the local Police station twice in the past month, to make a statement about him. Both times they have been ‘unable to help me.’  I have had 34 emails from him, in December and January, he has been to my house uninvited, tried to blackmail me and generally call me names. I reported each incident, they start by sympathising with me, tell me its a crime, harassment, intimidation, malicious communications, abuse, etc make me feel confident, they erase any doubts I had about reporting him, I forget about possible repercussions from him and fallout, so I am convinced that this time he will be spoken to so I get an appointment to go and see an officer in the local station so this can be looked at in closer details with a view to prosecuting him or talking to him, I’m then given a crime number and wait for my appointment. I just want him to leave me alone. I always hope that a chat from the boys in blue (black) will shock him into that, however it always has the opposite effect.

I go to said station and an officer takes some information, usually a couple of hours-worth of in-depth personal history, what my marriage was like, completing an ‘at risk’ form and then they (Always) tell me that he hasn’t actually broken a Law and they can’t even go and warn him, because he is ‘that type of person’ who will confront them and demand to know what law he has broken’ and they will look incompetent.  So he gets away with it….again.

All I want is for him to leave me alone, I used to want him to be able to converse with me like a rational, normal parent, to behave like a good Dad, to have conversations about School issues, children’s parties but I know that will never ever happen, he isn’t psychologically capable of it.  So my wish is that he leaves me alone. Simple thing to master, to a ‘Normal’.  He is far from normal.

So, the last time I went to the Cop Shop, two weeks ago, I kicked off so significantly in that  prison-like office, with the low sunlight slicing through the blinds and piercing my eyes, after I had spent three hours telling my life story (again), feeling like an idiot (again) that the officer warned me that other officers would come running in and arrest me for a security issue if I didn’t calm down….I will admit, I was screaming, crying and calling them useless….bad enough, but an arrest would not have been the best parenting move ever….The boy should have at least one parent without a criminal record.  I also realised that I had flipped out, banshee-style in direct view of the body-cam.  Oops.  Lets hope that does not end up on YouTube….although my Son would be chuffed that his Mum’s gone viral!

So when I calmed down, the officer left the room to go and get his Detective Sergeant.  I was stroppily starting to gather up my files of emails, picking up my phone and throwing it in my bag, then getting it out again when I realised I needed it, heavily lifting and dropping them again in a huff to make a point.  The officer came in and introduced his boss to me, I didn’t even look up.  Rude.  

They appeared concerned I wasn’t happy with their resolution of the issue (no shit, no resolution = time wasted!) So they decided to ‘log’ it (blah blah – ‘logging it’ has never ever been something that is even a thing and it has never helped me.  Every time I call or go into the Police station they have no idea of the background, no links, no notes, and I have to start again every time).  Over the past six years, I have reported him around 12 times, for harassment, intimidation and malicious communication, breach of bail, they have only ever given him a warning for intercepting an electronic communication – and he was charged with common assault on our child but he paid a very expensive barrister a lot of money to get him acquitted at trial, despite telling everyone else he did it. 

My only saving grace is that he has a criminal conviction for Stalking his ex-girlfriend in July 2018, she got an injunction for herself and her child –  This will help me get my own non-molestation order, which is what I am speaking to the NCDV for.  The Police told me that they could refer me to them to get a non-molestation order for me…..again, not quite true. If you have a domestic violence crime committed against you, and you get an arrest and charge and conviction, you are automatically given a non-molestation order, as part and parcel of it. If you are like me and having to fight to prove to people he affects my life, its harder, there’s no actual proof that what I’m saying is true, like a conviction so I have to prove it myself with emails and confessions and threats.

A Non- molestation order is a restraining order, preventing the respondent from contacting you, intimidating you, contacting children, etc, it can be worded in a way that suits you – for example it could be worded to include something like ‘no contact other than for the purpose of child arrangements’ and it comes with the power of arrest, so if the respondent breaks it, the police can arrest immediately as they have then breached an order.  

I was relieved at this, it sounded like a dream come true for me, it would mean he would have to stop. I said to the officers I didn’t think I could get one, they said they couldn’t see any reason that I wouldn’t get one, that they refer it to the NCDV, and they can get it in one week….that was three weeks ago!  There was a disaster with Legal Aid, they said I was entitled to it, then said I wasn’t so now I have to go via the NCDV to help with the statement, then I have to go to court myself, and ask the judge to grant it. 

I was told this would be without notice, which means he won’t know about it, or be given any warning of it happening which is good for me, because if he was to be there and it isn’t granted, he won’t know about it, and won’t be able to ram it down my throat as punishment for trying to get him in trouble for the next 15 years – if it is granted, he is served with it and that’s the first he knows about it, then he can’t punish me because there is a restraining order to protect me, which will be a novelty.  At this point in time, six years down the mental line I have little faith in anything but its worth a go….again.