This morning I got a text from the National Centre for Domestic Violence……www.ncdv.com, it said someone would be calling me in the next ten minutes. Shit! I was still in bed, I do NOT like to deal with people until I have got up, am dressed, with my face on, and spent at least half an hour struggling to create an effortless messy bun. I even struggle to text people, preferring to pretend I am ‘busy’. I felt guilty, still in bed, on a rare morning I got to lay-in with no child in the house. I am sure they can tell at the other end of the phone, like they can tell I’m in bed, smell my breath, or hear it in my voice, like a ‘bed voice’ and not even in a sexy way…although that would be bad too…..anyway, I got up, dressed and had shiny clean teeth by the time the phone rang, around four minutes later. Annoying….not ten minutes.
The lady, Nicole, said she would call me back in another ten to fifteen minutes…great, time to have a cup of tea and get some ginger nuts dunked.To give you a bit of a background, I have been to the local Police station twice in the past month, to make a statement about him. Both times they have been ‘unable to help me.’ I have had 34 emails from him, in December and January, he has been to my house uninvited, tried to blackmail me and generally call me names. I reported each incident, they start by sympathising with me, tell me its a crime, harassment, intimidation, malicious communications, abuse, etc make me feel confident, they erase any doubts I had about reporting him, I forget about possible repercussions from him and fallout, so I am convinced that this time he will be spoken to so I get an appointment to go and see an officer in the local station so this can be looked at in closer details with a view to prosecuting him or talking to him, I’m then given a crime number and wait for my appointment. I just want him to leave me alone. I always hope that a chat from the boys in blue (black) will shock him into that, however it always has the opposite effect.
I go to said station and an officer takes some information, usually a couple of hours-worth of in-depth personal history, what my marriage was like, completing an ‘at risk’ form and then they (Always) tell me that he hasn’t actually broken a Law and they can’t even go and warn him, because he is ‘that type of person’ who will confront them and demand to know what law he has broken’ and they will look incompetent. So he gets away with it….again.
All I want is for him to leave me alone, I used to want him to be able to converse with me like a rational, normal parent, to behave like a good Dad, to have conversations about School issues, children’s parties but I know that will never ever happen, he isn’t psychologically capable of it. So my wish is that he leaves me alone. Simple thing to master, to a ‘Normal’. He is far from normal.
So, the last time I went to the Cop Shop, two weeks ago, I kicked off so significantly in that prison-like office, with the low sunlight slicing through the blinds and piercing my eyes, after I had spent three hours telling my life story (again), feeling like an idiot (again) that the officer warned me that other officers would come running in and arrest me for a security issue if I didn’t calm down….I will admit, I was screaming, crying and calling them useless….bad enough, but an arrest would not have been the best parenting move ever….The boy should have at least one parent without a criminal record. I also realised that I had flipped out, banshee-style in direct view of the body-cam. Oops. Lets hope that does not end up on YouTube….although my Son would be chuffed that his Mum’s gone viral!
So when I calmed down, the officer left the room to go and get his Detective Sergeant. I was stroppily starting to gather up my files of emails, picking up my phone and throwing it in my bag, then getting it out again when I realised I needed it, heavily lifting and dropping them again in a huff to make a point. The officer came in and introduced his boss to me, I didn’t even look up. Rude.
They appeared concerned I wasn’t happy with their resolution of the issue (no shit, no resolution = time wasted!) So they decided to ‘log’ it (blah blah – ‘logging it’ has never ever been something that is even a thing and it has never helped me. Every time I call or go into the Police station they have no idea of the background, no links, no notes, and I have to start again every time). Over the past six years, I have reported him around 12 times, for harassment, intimidation and malicious communication, breach of bail, they have only ever given him a warning for intercepting an electronic communication – and he was charged with common assault on our child but he paid a very expensive barrister a lot of money to get him acquitted at trial, despite telling everyone else he did it.
My only saving grace is that he has a criminal conviction for Stalking his ex-girlfriend in July 2018, she got an injunction for herself and her child – This will help me get my own non-molestation order, which is what I am speaking to the NCDV for. The Police told me that they could refer me to them to get a non-molestation order for me…..again, not quite true. If you have a domestic violence crime committed against you, and you get an arrest and charge and conviction, you are automatically given a non-molestation order, as part and parcel of it. If you are like me and having to fight to prove to people he affects my life, its harder, there’s no actual proof that what I’m saying is true, like a conviction so I have to prove it myself with emails and confessions and threats.
A Non- molestation order is a restraining order, preventing the respondent from contacting you, intimidating you, contacting children, etc, it can be worded in a way that suits you – for example it could be worded to include something like ‘no contact other than for the purpose of child arrangements’ and it comes with the power of arrest, so if the respondent breaks it, the police can arrest immediately as they have then breached an order.
I was relieved at this, it sounded like a dream come true for me, it would mean he would have to stop. I said to the officers I didn’t think I could get one, they said they couldn’t see any reason that I wouldn’t get one, that they refer it to the NCDV, and they can get it in one week….that was three weeks ago! There was a disaster with Legal Aid, they said I was entitled to it, then said I wasn’t so now I have to go via the NCDV to help with the statement, then I have to go to court myself, and ask the judge to grant it.
I was told this would be without notice, which means he won’t know about it, or be given any warning of it happening which is good for me, because if he was to be there and it isn’t granted, he won’t know about it, and won’t be able to ram it down my throat as punishment for trying to get him in trouble for the next 15 years – if it is granted, he is served with it and that’s the first he knows about it, then he can’t punish me because there is a restraining order to protect me, which will be a novelty. At this point in time, six years down the mental line I have little faith in anything but its worth a go….again.