Drama Queen?

So, I can barely keep up with my own drama.

As you know by now, I have been apart from my ex husband for over 6 years and yet he is still contacting me despite me orchestrating every aspect of my life so that he never has a reason to contact me. People say it must be difficult because ‘you still have to have contact for the sake of your child’, Well, no. I decided four years ago that I didn’t need any contact from him unless it’s an emergency. I decided this when, one day, Mr Ex struck my Son around the face. He was 5 and his Dad left a hand shaped bruise there. He was arrested, charged and placed on Bail for almost a year. During this time I realised I didn’t need any contact at all, that I could make all the decisions while my Son was with me, if I had to. That year was the easiest year I have had so far, and the year that my Son had the least amount of issues in School.

I have made it clear to him, on several occasions, that I didn’t want any contact from him. In response to that, he always likes to have the last word, (proving that no-one can tell him what to do) me, then goades me, bullies me, to try to get me to respond. He often resorts to name calling and carrying on like I hadn’t said anything. I have restricted contact to one email address.

Everything I requested he do, he mirrors onto me, said I was harassing him and I was only to use one email address, said he would report me to the police if I didn’t leave him alone. Anyone outside of this, reading these emails would think I’m a mad woman, however, for four years now I have only ever replied to him if it has been unavoidable. He manipulates all his contact to start off being about our Son, or his welfare, and then I ignore it and he gets angry, or I reply with the same answer I have given hundreds of times before, and he gets angry that it isn’t what he wants to hear.

He won’t allow me to cut him off, which is what has happened this week. A month ago I went to the police again, he had been relentlessly sending me emails, about things he didn’t need to send to me about. The following were some of the email subjects he sent me in December 2018 and January 2019;

  1. Computer game passwords,
  2. Informing me that some of our Sons clothes were missing from his school bag and he is going to take the money from child maintenance to replace them, each item listed and how much (he gives me an amount he has chosen himself which is half of the CMS liability),
  3. An essay telling me what to put in my Sons lunchbox.
  4. Berating me for not Co-parenting.
  5. Telling me to get a maths tutor and pay for it, or maths with our Son at mine,
  6. Informing me he has booked a holiday in my court ordered custody time and that I must change mine, or there will be consequences.
  7. Repeatedly asking for days in lieu he has missed due to the court order (days like my Birthday, despite the Judge saying we can’t do days in lieu)
  8. Telling me I hate him so much I really need to stop it controlling me.
  9. That I am a bad parent stopping him seeing his Son (he sees him every other weekend and one night in the week, as per the court order that he agreed), this is completely made up.
  10. Demanding information about a school trip I apparently didn’t tell him about (the school tell him),
  11. Asking me to write off the Child Maintenance arrears,
  12. Asking for 50/50 custody,
  13. Telling me his custody breakdown for Christmas (which we already have in a court order),
  14. Refusing to give me my Sons passport on the day I asked for it,
  15. Threatening court action,
  16. Threatening court action,
  17. Threatening more court action
  18. Telling me he will allow our Son to play GTA, fortnite and watch Jaws because he can do what he wants.

These are subjects he has contacted me about in December 2018 and January 2019. Two months. 34 emails.

When I went to the police on Jan 22nd I had my folder full of emails from him, he had been to my house unannounced – they told me he hadn’t broken a law. I said it was harassment, they said it wasn’t because I’d replied a couple of times, I said I’d had to on those occasions, they said they understood that I had to, but that meant it wasn’t harassment, then I said what about malicious communications? They said it was nasty but not malicious, I said I disagreed, that this is all about being malicious to me. They disagreed. They could see he was being harassing and working just under the law being broken, said they can’t go round there and talk to him because he will deny he has broken a law. I said it is harassment and they insisted it wasn’t. This is extremely frustrating, and how clever he actually is. A police officer said to me yesterday ‘whats in the emails?’ that’s when I feel like a twat. ‘er, this one says he wants more custody, this one says I’m a bitch, this one says he wants me to write off the CMS arrears, this one says I’m a bad parent ..and so on. This is frustrating because I know these aren’t all abusive, a lot are, but for me the problem is the relentless contact and obsessive need to get a reaction from me. The less reaction he gets the more determined he is to get one.

The Police told me to send him an email, stating he could not contact me and anytime he contacted me after that would actually be harassment.

So I had a plan, I felt better and sent the email….

I got noting for about ten days, then I went to pay a car repair bill and saw that he had stopped paying the spousal maintenance he pays me, as part of our divorce. As he had hidden all of our money, part of the equitable division of our assets I was awarded an amount of money every month..it helps pay the rent over our head, but, he has stopped paying this four times now and I have filed four hearings for it to be awarded to me and he has paid up. The problem is, he gets what he wants, me to be inconvenienced, and to punish me for not answering him. He knows I am a single parent, he knows I rely on that money, and to stop paying it makes things difficult. When you file a D50k enforcement, to get the money you are owed, you have to notify the respondent (Mr X) in advance to give them a chance to pay it first. On Feb 1st, I sent him this text….

Now, again, anyone reading his text message, would think I am harassing him for money, that he is poor and I’m being unfair. The keys to the narcissist here lie in the way he is talking to me – most people don’t recognise these key things….he is using bullet points, which can be numbers, or just sometimes they are dots -to make sure I get the point, he has also just realised he has been caught out and is trying to get himself out of it (two weeks prior he offered me 13k lump sum, and then stopped paying the spousal due to not being able to afford it) by being pedantic about the words he used…apparently ‘ I will arrange to pay you 13k’ does not mean he has it. He then starts blaming me, for the Child Maintenance calculation, which I am coming at him for, well this is nothing to do with me, they have come up with that figure based on his information…..the blame is where he starts to divert the conversation away from himself. He has done something wrong, by stopping the payments, and yet he wants to talk about how I am coming at him via the CMS – despite the fact he isn’t paying child maintenance!

Then we have the harassment accusation, a Narcissist will always deflect what they are guilty of onto their target. This, for me, is one of the biggest signs he is a psychopath, the fact that I have never accused him of any of the traits of a narcissist, (deflection, irrational anger, smugness, a sense of superiority, no empathy, passive aggressive, sense of entitlement, strong need for attention, controlling, never taking responsibility for his actions, placing blame, and an inability to negotiate). and yet he has accused me of all of these and more.

So after the texts above, I gave him a week to pay, I am ever the optimist, even with our history, I still think there is a chance he will see that what he is doing is wrong and pay, without me having to shell out to file a hearing and go through all of that again. Nope. I sent him one last chance, giving him the deadline, and reminded him that he signed an undertaking to the court to not miss any payments. This is what I got….


So, I filed a hearing to get back the money he owes me so far. Yesterday I received papers and a new date, which is great, earlier than I thought it would be, but, the bad thing is, one thing I actually forgot, is that I have to serve the papers on him. Bugger.

Its my birthday on Monday, and, annually he likes to try and ruin it, he sent me one email already this week telling me that he wants a day back in lieu for missing his Day with our Son on my Birthday – (which I ignored) and two days ago he came to my house, despite me telling him not to. He dropped a bag of my Sons clothes to me, I hadn’t asked for this, and it goes against what we usually do in this situation, pass clothes in our Son’s school bag. He is making a point to me that he won’t be told what to do.

So I called the police to see if they would help me serve the papers….and they reported it as a crime, so here we go again…….

The good thing about Narcissists is….

Nothing.

No, wait, there is something…it’s what they teach us and how we grow from it.

I have become immune to being called the bitch, terminator, fucking twat, idiot, fatty, dolt, snowflake (that’s this weeks one!) can’t keep a husband, can’t keep a boyfriend, manipulator, evil, nasty, c**t, gold digger, witch, etc. I don’t put anything past him but he doesn’t hurt me. The only way he can get at me now is to try and take my Son from me, and take the small amount of money away that he gives me (out of our settlement because he hid all of our money). Both of these things he is doing right now and why I have three pending court cases.

I have also learnt to let go. So much shit happens to me at his hands and I can’t do anything about any of it, I can choose to sit and worry and stress and panic and piss everyone off around me and change the way I would deal with things or I can be pissed off for an hour or two, then move on and leave it behind me. Doing it this way is brilliant, I learnt a long time ago to also not try and work out what he means/says, there is no consistency or rationality in anything he does, he is literally from Mars. So I let it all go. Until there is a court case, then I have to dig through the thousands and thousands of emails, texts, pictures, recordings and relive the stuff again and pick out the relevant stuff.

Letting go is great, such a great thing to carry over into other parts of your life.

As much as I wish he wasn’t here, for my own sanity, my Son needs his Dad, a shit Dad still counts as a dad and his opinion of him has to come from his own experiences, not mine. I don’t talk badly about Mr X to him or in front of him, he is part of his life and he is allowed to talk to him when he wants and message him when he wants to (I bought him an iPod for Christmas last year so he could contact him), he has pictures in his room and his cat that lives at his Dads and we talk about what he remembers about when we were married too. My Son doesn’t understand why someone he loves so much, hates the other person he loves the most (he denigrates me to our Son then boasts to me he has done so) he is confused, but not by me.

Mr X hit my Son once and was charged with common assault, our Son was 5 – paid a very expensive barrister to get him off, despite admitting it to the police, Children’s services and me, my Son doesn’t understand that, or why he leaves him in the park and rides off, or why he shouts at him, or why he pressures him to do homework, or won’t let him talk to Mummy, he just knows he loves him. He’s his Dad.

My own Father is controlled by a Narcissist and my Sister and I have had no contact with him, since 2015 because of his wicked witch of the west, wife.

But I am wiser and better for this experience, I can spot someone with NPD a mile away, it’s taken a few years to perfect that talent, but I am grateful I can never be controlled by one again.

My boyfriend now is the opposite, and keeps reminding me that he is behaving ‘normally’ when I am amazed if he doesn’t shout at me for being late/ill/busy/have friends/speak to my Mum, wipe the worktops the wrong way etc…

I read and still do read, as much as I can about Narcissism and personality disorders, I also watch a lot of crime on TV and true crime documentaries, there are so many narcissists there and it helps me to recognise the signs.

Here are what I think are the only three ways to deal with someone with NPD without making it ten times worse for yourself;

  1. Go No Contact (this May make it worse for you initially but not in the long run).
  2. Run
  3. Die (or hope that he/she does)
  • Obviously in no way am I suggesting anyone try dying or killing..! but that is likely to be the only way that you will be truly free from one, even if you run, they will find you, they can hold a grudge for eternity… I have experience of this myself and was caught out by another one 13 years after I pissed him off and he punished me spectacularly! ….Can’t wait to tell that story, and I will not protect his identity!
  • Actual narcissist or just a bad break up?

    I have read so many peoples stories, about what they perceive to be their experience with their ‘Narc’. I am shocked to see how many of these appear to be bad break ups rather than an ongoing, increasingly relentless and dangerous encounter with someone they cannot get rid of with NPD.

    Whilst I know am not putting down the heartbreak, feelings of revenge, and hurt that bad break ups cause, they are in no way comparable to the actions of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If that is you, you are going through a hard time, but it will pass whereas a narcissist will never ever leave you alone.

    People with NPD (Narcissisic Personality Disorder) will never go away, and will more often than not, get worse, and become dangerous. Just to give you an idea, on a Narcissist scale where Trump is number 1 and Ted Bundy is a 10, my ex is about a ‘Dirty John’ (if anyone hasn’t seen this Netflix series, it’s spectacularly accurate and the most like Mr X I have ever come across, and its a true story).

    One story I read today was a man whose ‘ex narc’ was engaged to someone new, two weeks after leaving him. That’s it. He proposed, she said yes and then she left and found someone else.

    Wake up people, this isn’t a narcissist, this is bad luck, and picking a shitty human, be thankful that you are free- a narcissist will never leave you alone, even if they leave your relationship. Read a few of my posts and compare, I met mine 16 years ago, he left 6 years ago when my Son was just 3 and I was suffering sever anxiety and panic attacks and yet my life is still full of him. He does everything he can to disrupt me, upset me, take things from me, bully and blackmail me, harass me, make me feel useless and like a bad parent. It doesn’t work which makes him even more determined to carry on the vendetta. He will not be happy until I am dead.

    Injunction Conjuncture

    So – I will get around to talking about the injunction, A conversation I started yesterday. You can tell I’m new to this, spewing out as much as I can as quickly as possible and going off on a tangent!

    So, when I kicked off in the Police station because they couldn’t help me, they told my my only option was to apply for a Non-molestation order, what was an injunction. These come along with convictions of domestic violence crimes, however the Police have told me that my ex has not committed a single crime, despite being a complete ‘A**hole’ which apparently is not one….

    They said they can refer me to the NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) who will be able to get me one within a week, like the woman who reported someone before me. Brilliant, that calmed me down, an order with a power of arrest for when he breaks it, perfect. I watched them refer me on their ‘app’ which seemed a little insignificant, and they said they would contact me directly.

    So, when I didn’t hear from them, I contacted them after 5 days and they said there was no record of them contacting them for me – pointless then? They agreed to call me, they told me that after answering a few questions I would be eligible for Legal Aid, and that my contribution would be £26, reasonable I thought, they said this would go towards the serving fee of £100. I said I was used to going to court myself and sorting stuff out, they said I should go for it as its worth it and they only need my pay slips and bank statements nowadays, I said ok. As soon as I was off of the phone, they sent me a text saying I had a solicitor and one would be contacting me.

    The next day someone called me. She was a solicitor and I spent an hour going through mundane questions again, around the fourth time I have explained everything in a week. I was initially confused as no-one mentioned a solicitor to me at all…and I don’t trust them…..She calculated after I had sent my documents to them, that I would have to pay £700! I am a single parent, owed money by my Ex and working part time so I can pick up my child from school every day, so this about as possible as me marrying Rufus Sewell.

    I was told to go back to the NCDV who will be able to fill in a witness statement for me, to go to court myself, something I am used to…. so I called them again and they sent me a form, instructing me to send it back. I did that the same day. I had no call for another 5 days so I emailed, they said they had the form but for ‘some reason’ I hadn’t been added to the list to be called. They promised to call me the next day.

    When they called, I was told it would take an hour, and I would have to go through everything we have ever done. Brilliant. a few minutes into it, Nicole tells me that as there hasn’t been an incident of domestic violence in the past week it will have to go on notice (he will have to be notified and given a chance to dispute it and be in court). The last time I tried to get an injunction he attended and disputed every step of the way, the Judge was so taken in by him he insisted he have a ‘finding of fact’ hearing…like a mini trial. I cancelled the order at this point.

    So I was understandably nervous, at the thought of him being in a court room to pick apart everything I had said he had done. I also know that it will come back on me ten-fold if that happens this time, he is angry because of the Child Maintenance he owes (£17,000) and he is already making me pay for that (even though its nothing to do with me). So I get upset and tell them I don’t want to go ahead, so Nicole goes and gets a manager.

    The manager, Abbie, says we can apply without notice and see if the Judge will accept it but he might not, and then invite Mr X to go to court – she also said that if the order is granted, he will still be invited to a hearing where he can dispute it – so great, obviously someone who’s sole goal is to get at me any way he can is going to take any opportunity to do that. I decided to carry on and think about it, so it took two bloody hours! two hours of repeating stuff I didn’t want to think about again. Re-reading emails and texts and seeing condensed how much he has done to me and my Son.

    So….today….I receive the witness statement, a Mackenzie friends letter and instructions on how to apply for the court order. Well, what a fucking waste of time, again. Its like she literally wrote it about someone else’s life! Its so inaccurate I would have to re-write the whole thing, and it reads so flaky, like I’m being an actual snowflake (I know about that word because he called me it last week, I had to google it but I like it! – It means someone who is overly sensitive and offended at the smallest thing). When I read the accompanying ‘how to’ letter I was adamant my chances of getting the order are slim, and the chances of creating a reaction similar to that when poking a tiger in the eyeball with a stick, is very high, I decided not to do it at this time.

    I have three other court hearings instigated by him, and cannot risk harm to myself and my Son at this time. I noted that either way he would have the chance to basically cross examine me, gain ‘facts’ and attack me in court, which he has done before and got away with. So I have chosen to go back down the route the Police advised, I informed in January that I don’t want him to contact me and hopefully he will stick to it, I’ve had one email in three weeks so that’s bearable, for now. I’m happy with that decision, but I know its there for the future. I feel I have a plan now.

    Everything is so hard for victims of abuse, we have to be subjected to it, we have to repeatedly suffer it over a period of time, sometimes watch it get worse and then we have to fight to get someone to do something. I have been fighting for six years and still, he gets away with it and I will keep fighting for what is right, or ‘picking on him’ as the poor baby calls it.