No, wait, there is something…it’s what they teach us and how we grow from it.
I have become immune to being called the bitch, terminator, fucking twat, idiot, fatty, dolt, snowflake (that’s this weeks one!) can’t keep a husband, can’t keep a boyfriend, manipulator, evil, nasty, c**t, gold digger, witch, etc. I don’t put anything past him but he doesn’t hurt me. The only way he can get at me now is to try and take my Son from me, and take the small amount of money away that he gives me (out of our settlement because he hid all of our money). Both of these things he is doing right now and why I have three pending court cases.
I have also learnt to let go. So much shit happens to me at his hands and I can’t do anything about any of it, I can choose to sit and worry and stress and panic and piss everyone off around me and change the way I would deal with things or I can be pissed off for an hour or two, then move on and leave it behind me. Doing it this way is brilliant, I learnt a long time ago to also not try and work out what he means/says, there is no consistency or rationality in anything he does, he is literally from Mars. So I let it all go. Until there is a court case, then I have to dig through the thousands and thousands of emails, texts, pictures, recordings and relive the stuff again and pick out the relevant stuff.
Letting go is great, such a great thing to carry over into other parts of your life.
As much as I wish he wasn’t here, for my own sanity, my Son needs his Dad, a shit Dad still counts as a dad and his opinion of him has to come from his own experiences, not mine. I don’t talk badly about Mr X to him or in front of him, he is part of his life and he is allowed to talk to him when he wants and message him when he wants to (I bought him an iPod for Christmas last year so he could contact him), he has pictures in his room and his cat that lives at his Dads and we talk about what he remembers about when we were married too. My Son doesn’t understand why someone he loves so much, hates the other person he loves the most (he denigrates me to our Son then boasts to me he has done so) he is confused, but not by me.
Mr X hit my Son once and was charged with common assault, our Son was 5 – paid a very expensive barrister to get him off, despite admitting it to the police, Children’s services and me, my Son doesn’t understand that, or why he leaves him in the park and rides off, or why he shouts at him, or why he pressures him to do homework, or won’t let him talk to Mummy, he just knows he loves him. He’s his Dad.
My own Father is controlled by a Narcissist and my Sister and I have had no contact with him, since 2015 because of his wicked witch of the west, wife.
But I am wiser and better for this experience, I can spot someone with NPD a mile away, it’s taken a few years to perfect that talent, but I am grateful I can never be controlled by one again.
My boyfriend now is the opposite, and keeps reminding me that he is behaving ‘normally’ when I am amazed if he doesn’t shout at me for being late/ill/busy/have friends/speak to my Mum, wipe the worktops the wrong way etc…
I read and still do read, as much as I can about Narcissism and personality disorders, I also watch a lot of crime on TV and true crime documentaries, there are so many narcissists there and it helps me to recognise the signs.
Here are what I think are the only three ways to deal with someone with NPD without making it ten times worse for yourself;
Go No Contact (this May make it worse for you initially but not in the long run).
Die (or hope that he/she does)
Obviously in no way am I suggesting anyone try dying or killing..! but that is likely to be the only way that you will be truly free from one, even if you run, they will find you, they can hold a grudge for eternity… I have experience of this myself and was caught out by another one 13 years after I pissed him off and he punished me spectacularly! ….Can’t wait to tell that story, and I will not protect his identity!
So, carrying on from yesterday’s post, I was telling you about the injunction I was attempting to apply for. As I said, these come automatically with a conviction of a crime for the victim and are usually ordered by the court, but if you are stuck in the grey area of having to deal with relentless harassment from that person who knows how to behave so they have maximum impact while keeping just below that ‘breaking the law’ line, then you will find it tough, but you have to keep going, because they will make a mistake. Mine did, he was convicted of Stalking someone else, his girlfriend after me. whom he had been with for five years at the time. Whilst I don’t want to talk too much about someone else’s experience – this blog is about my experience of him – it is relevant to mention this as it illustrates his behaviour and how it is altered according to whom he is concentrating on – he is very draining and abusive, but the stalking was a whole other level of fucked up – he made a mistake, he was caught and didn’t care what evidence he was leaving behind, if he had been a burglar it would have been as silly as leaving your wallet at the scene….it is very interesting behaviour and I have a theory.
15 months ago I had an I message from my then – 7- year old, while I was at work, who isn’t allowed to contact me when he is at his Dads (to this day) so this was odd. It said……
Obviously I panicked worrying if he was in danger – it didn’t sound like him, and I have had reason to worry about my Son being with his Dad since 2015, I’ll come to the reason why, later in the blog – and I knew his Dad wouldn’t ever allow him to send that knowingly. I face-timed him and my Ex husbands girlfriend (who he was seeing when we were married but denies it) answered. I hadn’t ever spoken to her, she had screeched up onto my drive one day with music blaring and behaving like a teenager and I told him not to bring him here again and to get her off my drive. She had accompanied him to court hearings (26 I have attended with him so far) and commented on twitter that I was an ‘idiot’ – I knew she would contact me one day when she experienced it herself and but I never addressed her directly – my ex kept me apart from anyone connected to him anyway. (Weirdly she looks like me, a friend saw them together once and actually went up to her thinking she was me). So I was surprised when she said “Paula, can you come and collect *** please, Mr X was arrested this morning for hitting me”.
I asked her to go into another room to talk because I could see my Son was in the same room, and as shit as his Dad is, he needs to see that for himself, not hear people he loves slagging his Dad off, he would be confused. She said that he had been there when Mr X had hit her. I checked that my ex wasn’t around (He had just bought a house in the next village to me, and would freak if he found out I had been there) and she told me that he had been arrested and taken away in a police van. The coast was clear for me to get my Son.
I arrived around 20 minutes later and my Son was upset at seeing his Dad being arrested and taken away. My Ex’s girlfriend said that they had been having an argument, because he had installed CCTV inside the property. She had complained saying she needed privacy, that the cameras were unnecessary and he had told her it was his house and she had no choice, that they were there to protect himself from people like me and her from accusing him of stuff – which makes no sense at all, and he still says that to me now, when he is on a rant. A glass of water was thrown and allegedly a punch was made to the back of her head as she was running up the stairs away from him.
Now, I wasn’t there so I am just repeating what she told me, he says this didn’t happen, he says she attacked him, threw water over him and made up the punch, I know who I believe. Whatever happened that day, it was done in front of my Son and that was unacceptable. I didn’t care who hit whom, I only cared that my child was safe. I took him to a safe place and messaged my ex – for him to get when he came out of the Police station. It said……..
What followed was a weekend of him demanding our Son because it was ‘his weekend’, I refused because he was afraid and did not want to see his Dad. He was not happy and continued to threaten me a but but when I told him the Police told me to dial 999 if he came over, he gave in, however he quickly turned nasty once I deemed it safe for him to have him again and he used it as an excuse to bring up all the things he regularly brings up and has blamed me for for the past six years…..I stopped him seeing his Son (I didn’t), I was a shit wife and I can’t keep a marriage, (possibly true lol) I am a bad parent, I am a gold digger, I am harassing him, and abusing him….he is an expert at twisting anything that he is remotely guilty of, back onto me, and making it about something so far away from the original incident that you begin to forget what you were conversing about in the first place. In the half an hour we had to talk when I collected my Son, she told me she should have left years ago, he was abusive, controlling, secretive, physically violent, emotionally abusive, obsessed with me, and she wasn’t strong enough to leave so this had to happen. Anyone who leaves a situation like that, is a hero. Especially if you have children. As shit as it still is for me, myself and my Son are safer, as is she, as far as I am aware, is happy. If I hadn’t filed for divorce I’d be dead now, or in an assylum.
So he was finally let out around 11pm and was not charged. His Girlfriend was now his ex girlfriend as she had immediately moved out, but would be back the next day to collect her stuff. He immediately sent her this….
When she came to collect her stuff the next day, he wrote this on the back of one of her pictures….
Then he started stalking her, he waited for her at the train station, hand writing and signing letters, setting up Facebook accounts in variations of his own name, contacting her family, her friends, getting his friend to contact her, and her having to run away, sending flowers then sending a letter stating he could see she didn’t take them home because he was watching her, going to where she lived, and with all due respect to her, she never replied once, she did really well. She reported everything and two months later he was arrested for stalking. He of course, sent her a message saying he had explained to the police what type of person she was and they agreed she was irrational and that it had all been sorted out. Obviously this is something they are expert at, diversion. He was arrested and charged with stalking that week. He plead not guilty. Five months later, he had a trial and on the day, he plead guilty. She has a non-molestation order and he has a significant fine and a criminal record.
The day she got her order, I severed contact with her, for her benefit, I didn’t want there to be a link for her to Mr X via me. We’d been talking for a few months, part of the evidence in the prosecution came from me, he had set up a website in her name, I had screenshots of it, first it was begging her back, pleading with her, offering marriage, counselling ‘anything’ to get them on the right track…..then criticism and name calling, then accusing her to being a narcissist and gaslighting. He did this to me when we first split up, I will talk more about that later as I have screenshots of that too.
If she sees this and wants me to remove it, I am happy to, but I think it is a great example of how Narcissists can get. He is bad with me, but I have something he needs, and that is our Son, he needs him to be able to create the image that he wants people to see. The successful, loving father…which happens to be a crock of shit.